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Who Am I?

Is PMDD a “muse”?

In Greek Mythology, muses or Μοῦσαι are goddesses that inspire literature, science, music, dance and art - a source of knowledge. They are the personification of these fields. 

I choose to think of PMDD as a muse, to personify the sensitivity to hormonal variation that many women experience monthly, including myself.  This personification and the idea of a muse visiting monthly, bi-monthly or quarterly, allows one to highlight the distinction between the “normal” self and the “muse”, the woman that overshadows the normal self for two to four days during either the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle and sometimes also in the follicular phase.

Though most women with PMDD come from widely different backgrounds, they all seem to report very similar "transformations" in personality.  A sudden, literally inexplicable, emergence of negative feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, mood swings, irritability.  In interactions with others, the woman suddenly finds herself acting in ways that are often anti-social: withdrawal, distrust and questioning the depth and quality of existing relationships.  The behavior   that are not stronger than regular pre-menstrual disorder (PMS).  It is the radical nature of the change that shocks the most although the extreme nature varies from month to month and expresses itself differently according to the loved one, friend, boss, employee and the nature of the relationship-making it all the more confusing. If PMS is mere wind, PMDD is like a hurricane. Because of the extreme nature of the change, it can poetically be said that another person, a muse is visiting.

When the muse visits, the woman affected inevitably asks herself:

-who am I? Who have I become?  Where do I stop and she starts?

-Why am I acting this way ?  Is it really me or part of me acting?  Why am I not myself?

In the moment, it is seriously difficult to make sense of the situation.  If it is not me feeling anger, then who is it? 

In my case, I cannot explain the transformation other than to think of myself as an outer shell for this PMDD personality.  An outer shell that must struggle to perceive her real self still stay in the game and find real means to limit the damage that the PMDD muse might do. 

It is not clear whether PMDD expresses the extremes of one’s personality, a sort of deformation of what exists in a woman or is something radically different.  For sure, the PMDD muse is bad company.

Of course in reality, there is no muse.

I don't believe in goddesses, Greek or otherwise.

However, the idea of a "muse" illustrates exceptionally well the desperate situation of feeling like one's real self has gone for a while without notice, almost without a fight. The scary question is: when will I be back and what situation will the muse have left behind?

 

Self-Diagnosis: PMDD

I knew about PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome), but I had no idea that PMDD (pre-menstrual disphoric disorder) existed.  

Slowly, a few years ago, I discovered it.

PMDD a sad challenging four-letter acronym that many women are faced with.

It stands at the extreme opposite of my conception of the modern strong woman... the one that I thought that I was.. the one I had hoped I would become.

Early in in my teenage years,  I wanted to either defend the vulnerable or represent the ideal intelligent woman in the corporate world.  Two different things but both requiring strength.  I went to law school because I loved balance, logic, strength.  So how did I become so...vulnerable despite all of this determination?  How could my stability and moderation regularly vanish for a few days, to then reappear again, as if nothing was?

PMDD is my self-diagnosis of the challenge I face on a monthly, bi-monthly or quarterly basis depending on the year.  From my readings of books, scientific data, articles and personal stories, I had to concede that the PMDD muse definitely visits me.

My medical doctor did not know what I had. When I went to my competent general practitioner describing my symptoms, he told me totally normal and concluded that the mood swings are common among women especially with the increased pressure of  the stress of balancing career with kids as in my case.  At most he could refer me to a psychologist.  However, I have found that the pendulum can swing far enough for a PMDD analysis even if when I visited him and most of the time, I am “normal”.  This is the callenge with PMDD, most women with PMDD do seem very normal, even particularly nice part of the time.

The internet saved me from thinking that it was just me.  My dear husband helped me see how much my perception of myself, of others and of situations changed radically for two to three days 14 days before my menstrual period and then again 7 days before.  Nature (i.e. hormonal sensitivity) had won over mind. And there was little I could do to trick my brain.

The calendar is both friend and enemy.  On one hand, it gives me a certitude that the problem is not "me", fundamentally, and that it will go away with just enough days passing by.  Regularly, I will go through mood swings.  They are not irregular, I am not bipolar nor am I suffering a major depression.  On the other hand, I know that the struggle that I will face is certain sooner or later.  The fact that the symptoms do not occur monthly give me the illusion that the muse has left forever... that is until the next time she reappears. 

Now that the problem was here, without resort to an appeal's court, (despite disappearing acts), how was I going to deal with it?  How could I build my defense?

Do you have PMDD or know someone who does?  How did you find out about the diagnosis?  What resources have you found helpful?  Books?  Internet resources? Please share!

 Shell