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Who Am I?

Is PMDD a “muse”?

In Greek Mythology, muses or Μοῦσαι are goddesses that inspire literature, science, music, dance and art - a source of knowledge. They are the personification of these fields. 

I choose to think of PMDD as a muse, to personify the sensitivity to hormonal variation that many women experience monthly, including myself.  This personification and the idea of a muse visiting monthly, bi-monthly or quarterly, allows one to highlight the distinction between the “normal” self and the “muse”, the woman that overshadows the normal self for two to four days during either the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle and sometimes also in the follicular phase.

Though most women with PMDD come from widely different backgrounds, they all seem to report very similar "transformations" in personality.  A sudden, literally inexplicable, emergence of negative feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, mood swings, irritability.  In interactions with others, the woman suddenly finds herself acting in ways that are often anti-social: withdrawal, distrust and questioning the depth and quality of existing relationships.  The behavior   that are not stronger than regular pre-menstrual disorder (PMS).  It is the radical nature of the change that shocks the most although the extreme nature varies from month to month and expresses itself differently according to the loved one, friend, boss, employee and the nature of the relationship-making it all the more confusing. If PMS is mere wind, PMDD is like a hurricane. Because of the extreme nature of the change, it can poetically be said that another person, a muse is visiting.

When the muse visits, the woman affected inevitably asks herself:

-who am I? Who have I become?  Where do I stop and she starts?

-Why am I acting this way ?  Is it really me or part of me acting?  Why am I not myself?

In the moment, it is seriously difficult to make sense of the situation.  If it is not me feeling anger, then who is it? 

In my case, I cannot explain the transformation other than to think of myself as an outer shell for this PMDD personality.  An outer shell that must struggle to perceive her real self still stay in the game and find real means to limit the damage that the PMDD muse might do. 

It is not clear whether PMDD expresses the extremes of one’s personality, a sort of deformation of what exists in a woman or is something radically different.  For sure, the PMDD muse is bad company.

Of course in reality, there is no muse.

I don't believe in goddesses, Greek or otherwise.

However, the idea of a "muse" illustrates exceptionally well the desperate situation of feeling like one's real self has gone for a while without notice, almost without a fight. The scary question is: when will I be back and what situation will the muse have left behind?